Dear Soul Mate,

Thanks for detailing my car yesterday. I could lick coffee ice-cream off of the steering wheel it’s so clean (well, it might taste like coffee/Armor-All ice-cream, but…). And when I get into it I think what a lucky frickin’ gal I am. To have you and your surprises and your gorgeous green eyes and your Vidal Sassoon hair and…. Ahem…

But I still can’t claim you as mine on Facebook.

I am sick and twisty and I want to be better and different (Iknowthis…). But if I claim you as mine on Facebook, M will see it. And there is a part of me that still moves IN HIM, THROUGH HIM, BECAUSE OF HIM. And I’ll hurt when he hurts. And he’ll hurt when he finds out that you are my boyfriend (Ghah! Boyfriend, boyfriend, man-friend?). When he sees your pretty face where his once was, he will sting. And I don’t want him to sting, Soul Mate.

Part of me knows that he knows about you. I CAN FEEL IT. But he is in denial. Thinks maybe we’re temporary or superficial or casual. He doesn’t know that I want your babies. Like, umm, nowish (Just kidding, God!). And he doesn’t know that I put a muzzle on the impulse to ask you to marry me, like everyday (especially as I’m falling asleep and dreaming of one super-duper, special, BIIIIIGGGGG engagement party and a honeymoon in Italy and endless champagne served in sexy, long stemmed glasses, and future Italian/German babies…). I get gooey over you on a regular basis and wish I could just skip the whole boyfriend phase and move straight into husband. (Side note: what do you think about taking a quick but epically romantic trip to VEGAS this weekend?? Too soon? Just thought I’d check…)

Why do I feel like I’m having an affair with you?

Naw, stop it. I’m not still in love with M. (Or maybe I am?). It’s just hard to compete with five years of relationship building, investment, happy-ness, Peanut loving, giggle infested, love growing, dedicated-ness. Right?

ICKY FACT: M is the love of my life (thus far). Shit, that sucks. Will be true for another 4 years and 6 months. Whoa, Soul Mate, are you sure you want to hold out that long to earn the title? Mara-THON!

So yeah, I’ll confess… there is a (slight!) possibility that I am transferring my love of M to you, Soul Mate. Or maybe combining/channeling the love I have for both you and M, into what is healthier and more tangible. And that is YOU, for every reason under the sun. You cool with that? Because it’s silly how much I’m silly over you. I mean, it’s like POW, super POWerful. And it kinda came out of nowhere. So I’m thinking maybe there might be a weeeeee bit o’ transference. (Is that why I want babies, and a wedding, and a honeymoon, and a let’s-grow-old-together-promise type stuff? Immediately? And with more enthusiasm and more confidence then I ever had with M, ever?)

I am in love with you, Soul Mate—I feel it. I know it. So why can’t I change my status on Facebook?