The pause in the room this evening was torturous. I was panicking. Mind grabbing at the empty space between when I repeated my friend’s question, “What makes me worthy of love…? 5 REASONS??” and the horrific BLANK the followed. I thought of the generic, “I’m a unique expression of the Divine.” Or some shit like that.

Then another blank. And more panic. There has to be something… I thought.

And up came the tears, the young Jodi Anne tears, pleading internally, eyes flipping about. Please… please… let there be some thing. But no. No thing. Because this part that was pleading and crying believes that I am not worthy of love. Not one bit. And that everyone I love will discover that sad fact someday. (And they will roll their eyes when they think of the time they wasted investing in me).

Luckily I have other parts. Lots. And luckily, those parts remember that I tend to make people smile and laugh. That I show love through affection, and thoughtfulness, and by creating home wherever I go. And I tend to facilitate positive change by asking provocative questions and suggesting challenges. I also invest in self-development, so that crappy stuff that periodically makes me a jerk to hang around with will likely work itself into pretty at some point. Oh and I love to cook and host and am not bad at either.

I realized tonight how long I have ignored this child-like part that believes that I am not worthy of receiving love. And how tortured she was, alone with her own self-destructive beliefs. I imagined her timid, in a small, dark broom closet, sitting, legs folded into her undeveloped chest, back against the whitewashed walls. Wailing to be heard, acknowledged, and comforted. But she also believed herself too ugly to come into the light. So I had to dig her out this evening. And DIG I did.

Past the walls of disbelief, of inner hatred, and self-doubt, and ignorance, and socially imposed values of “modesty” and crap. DIG that poor girl out, I did, and let her soak in the light. I needed to let her see me, with all my parts, and feel welcomed and in good company. And so maybe, just maybe, after a time she could finally see someone bright and beautiful and genuinely worthy of love.

So now you: Give me 5 reasons you are worthy of love. And… GO.