I know it’s a common sentiment— be full and let the cup runith over.  Want, not need.  Independent gent, meet independent chica, fall in love, make independent babies….  I get it— booya to feminism for thoroughly saturating all us Gen Y ladies.  I digested that, too, in Women’s Studies 101.  Effective notion in its own time, but limited and (dare I write this online?) fucking ridiculous.  The pendulum has swung far too far.

So let me throw another intellectual crunch into the proverbial trail mix.  We are never independent, period.  It is impossible.  We ass-covering, clever women/men simply spread out our (necessary) dependence, bit by bit, person by person and remain safe.  Free from the terror of being suddenly (and perhaps undeservedly) abandoned by our primary person. Left (oh-my-God) alone to push our (again, necessary) dependence on other (un-trained) relationships. So why so much fuss about being “independent”.  Why not just own up to the obvious but not so sexy reality that we freaking need each other?

Common, think honestly about this.  Can you thrive without your personal board of directors?  What about your best friend? Mamma?  Papa?  Mentor?  Lover(s)?  Barber?  Barista?  I know what you are thinking, Yes!  I can and shall (thump fists to chest)!  But think more… all of them at once?  Forget about thriving, can you even survive without them?

Historically, coupling has enabled survival, evolution, beautification, innovation, enlightenment.  Coupling is the oldest, most trusted, most instinctual, most fundamental method of coping, method of learning, and method of achieving greatness.  Are we willing to say that coupling with multiple people in inherently more beneficial than coupling with primarily one?  What’s wrong with making one person the primary source and benefactor of your gifts?

Too risky maybe?  Does spreading your emotional, practical, spiritual, sexual giving and taking needs around mean an increased anticipated rate of return? (Gosh, they so should have used this example in B-School).  Speaking of business school, I’ve got a term for this theory of so-called independent living.  It’s called diversifying your portfolio.  Yeah, spread those investments around a bit, we tell ourselves.  That way, if the stock market crashes, we won’t be entirely screwed.

So here we are, anticipating failure, anticipating pain, anticipating change, and we hate it, don’t we?  So what do we do?  Avoid it! And create this all this intellectual garbage— woo-woo, I’ll be full and complete and share my completeness with someone else— to disguise the fact that we are cowards.  Just plain cowards, protecting our own ass (and heart!) from the sob-fest that we’ll inevitably endure when we loose the (one) person we rely on most (because since we were investing primarily in one person, we weren’t training our B-team to take his/her place).

So let’s raise a glass to an obligatory reality check: All relationships end (morbid, I know).  But it’s true— even relationships that last a lifetime end in death (and no, I’m not going to make claims about the continuation of love in the hereafter, or whatever).  For all intensive (read, logical) purposes… all relationships end.  And if you don’t die first, one day you will be left to push your various dependencies around.  Find new teammates, new lovers, new household partners, new confidants, new people to share a meal with, to pick you up from the airport, new people who will allow your tears and snot soak into their t-shirt.  

I do not believe in “soul-mate” ideology, hell no. One person for everyone?  As if we don’t have enough of a difficult time finding and keeping a person let alone the person.  Jeez.  But if you’ve found someone you just can’t get enough of or even think you have, why not throw all your chips into that hat?  Your stomach will flip flop, your old, scary demons will chant from the base of your tummy, “In-de-pen-dence, In-de-pen-dence,” but give them the finger and leap.  

Yessss… I’m actually saying it.  If the spirit moves you, find yourself completely (what’s that bad word again?) co-dependent.  Completely, co-creating.  Completely co-piloting.  Completely, complete.  And if this is too scary of a place for you, get off your butt right now a look at yourself in the bathroom mirror.  Were you ever really independent?