All posts tagged planning

It’s not time to start a family yet. I know this. When I think with my head, reasons like poor professional timing, not enough savings, still prioritizing playtime, me, mine over unconditional giving. Yeah, I’m that twenty-something.

But my sense is, that not all of these intellectual benchmarks beginning to grow, evolve will make me any more ready. I have a feeling it will just be a feeling. My twenty-something self has no idea what that will mean exactly. Again, intellectually I think about having to, gulp, grow a human being in my belly. A belly that cannot house a whole Subway sandwich let alone two arms, two legs, a head, a body. Unfathomable. And yet, someday I will. I think about having to wake up every night, any night, whenever the baby wants me and how violently I sometimes throw my alarm when it disturbs my sleep. Babies are not alarm clocks, of course. But this illustrates a larger, perhaps systemic issue. I’m just not ready.

So how will my partner and I decide on the right size of our family? We’ll just know— like I knew it was him I wanted to marry. Sure, sure there were the reasons: we have the same vision for our future, we have the same values, we have the same stance on what a healthy relationships looks like. But mostly, most importantly, we just knew. Like I recognize myself in the mirror. I just knew.